An All-Caps Explosion of Feelings Regarding That Article Everyone is Sharing About Hillary Clinton

An entertainment blog with similar quality to Taco Bell beef, Pajiba, published an article recently that has been making its rounds on the whiney, self-victimizing recesses of Facebook. The rant titled, An All-Caps Explosion of Feelings Regarding the Liberal Backlash Against Hillary Clinton, tackles the issue of vocal democrats who have thrown their support behind the socialist messiah Bernie Sanders instead of the lady in the pantsuit who ran for president in 2008. However, much like anything that happens in the world while wearing  the rosey red period-blood-shaded glasses of feminism, these attacks on the former Secretary of State feel “very personal” to the author.

Since you can’t just have opinions anymore without some Twitter SJW gettin’ pissed about the patriarchy, the author goes on to detail how the attacks on Hillary Clinton aren’t just simply politics…but a reflection of the (DUN DUN DUN!) sexist world we live in. Hillary Clinton just CAN’T be as progressive as Bernie Sanders because women with opinions are icky and all the men will laugh at her like she’s Carrie on prom night. So since any response to this article will be called “fascist Donald Trump supporting propaganda” or discarded to the opinion column of Bernie’s communist newsletter, I will yell at the author (Courtney Enlow) in ALL CAPS because I don’t give a fuck.

FIRST AND FUCKING FOREMOST, NO ONE IS GOING TO CRUCIFY HILLARY FUCKING CLINTON WITH TAMPONS FOR BEING INTO SHIT LIKE FREE COLLEGE AND HEALTHCARE. FOX NEWS IS ALWAYS GOING TO HATE DEMOCRATS AND MSNBC IS ALWAYS GOING TO HATE REPUBLICANS. IT HAS NOTHING TO FUCKING DO WITH GENDER, BUT THIS LEFT/RIGHT PARADIGM WE’RE ALL TRAPPED IN! THE PROBLEM IS, SHE CAN’T BE INTO ALL OF THE RAINBOWS AND FREE CANDY BULLSHIT THAT THE SANDERS CAMP IS PEDDLING BECAUSE SHE’S ONLY BEEN A PROGRESSIVE FOR LIKE 2 YEARS OR SOMETHING. SHE HASN’T HAD ENOUGH TIME TO “EVOLVE” INTO A FULL ON LEFT WING LOONY LIKE BERNIE WHO HAS BEEN HIGH ON KARL MARX SINCE THE 1960S.

YEAH! I DON’T FUCKING LIKE THAT SHE HAS HORRIBLE INDEFENSIBLE POSITIONS IN THE 90S THAT SHE NOW COMPLETELY FLIPPED ON. THE DEFENSE OF MARRIAGE ACT WAS SIGNED BY HER HUSBAND AND UP UNTIL 2004, YOU CAN FIND VIDEOS OF HER SAYING MARRIAGE IS BETWEEN ONE MAN AND ONE WOMAN ON THE SENATE FLOOR. THAT IS BEFORE PUBLIC OPINION POLLS CHANGED AND HER GOD DAMN TEAM OF ADVISORS WHO PICK WHICH MASK SHE WEARS ON WHICH DAYS TOLD HER THAT THE GAYS ARE COOL. HOMOPHOBIA WAS NEVER COOL! EVEN BACK IN 1997 WHEN I CALLED PIKACHU A “F*GGOT”AT THE TENDER AGE OF 6 BECAUSE MY FRIEND IN SCHOOL HEARD HIS DAD CALL HIS OLDER BROTHER THAT WHEN HE FOUND HIM BEATING OFF TO LEONARDO DICAPRIO IN TITANIC. JUST BECAUSE MOST OF AMERICA IS STILL “EVOLVING” ON THINGS LIKE TRANS ISSUES DOES NOT MEAN THAT OUR PRESIDENTIAL HOPEFUL GETS A PASS FOR BEING A PIECE OF SHIT A DECADE OR SO AGO. MOST AMERICANS ALSO EAT MCDONALD’S EVERYDAY BUT WE SHOULDN’T JUST MAKE A 2000%-OF-YOUR-DAILY-FAT-INTAKE DIET A MODEL FOR NATIONAL HEALTH STANDARDS, NOW SHOULD WE? IF PROGRESSIVE MEANS “JUST THAT—PROGRESS” AS THE AUTHOR STATES, THEN MY GOD DAMN GRANDFATHER IS A PROGRESSIVE BECAUSE HE JUST STOPPED USING THE TERM “N*GGER RIGGED” TO DESCRIBE WHEN HE DUCT TAPES HIS BUMPER BACK ON HIS BUICK.

THIS IDIOT GOES ON TO SAY: “YOU DON’T LIKE THAT SHE PLAYS THE GAME? THAT SHE HAS TIES TO THE ESTABLISHMENT? A WOMAN DOESN’T GET THE FUCKING OPTION *NOT* TO PLAY THE GAME.” WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN MEAN? SHE JUST HAS TO GET FUCKING MILLION DOLLAR CHECKS FROM WALL STREET? WHY WOULD HER POSSESSING A VAGINA MAKE IT ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY TO BE A SLIME BALL ESTABLISHMENT CROOK? YOU SAYING WOMEN HAVE TO DO STUFF IS SEXIST AND I’M FUCKING OFFENDED. *TRIGGERED*

AND WHAT ARE THESE MEMES? EXACTLY WHAT THEY FUCKING LOOK LIKE!

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YEAH. SHE’S NOT FUCKING COOL! GET OVER IT. YOU SOUND LIKE A DEJECTED MOM WHO JUST HAD HER TEENAGE DAUGHTER TELL HER IT WAS EMBARRASSING THAT SHE STILL WEARS HOLLISTER JEANS.

THE AUTHOR THEN GETS ALL PISSY BECAUSE HER HUSBAND SAYS THAT HE LIKES BERNIE SANDERS DUE TO THE FACT THAT HE DOESN’T CARE ABOUT HOW HIS HAIR LOOKS. OF COURSE THIS LIGHTS OFF A FIRE STORM DEEP INSIDE OF HER OVARIES BECAUSE ACCORDING TO HER… WAH, WOMEN CAN’T JUST NOT CARE ABOUT HOW THEIR HAIR LOOKS. NEWS FLASH: YES THEY FUCKING CAN! THIS IS AMERICA. IF YOU WANT TO ROCK BED HEAD, FUCKING DO IT! #FREEDOM! YOU’RE THE ONE PERPETUATING UNREALISTIC BEAUTY EXPECTATIONS IF YOU THINK THAT ALL WOMEN NEED TO LOOK LIKE THEY’VE SPENT 2 FUCKING HOURS IN THE BATHROOM GETTING READY EVERYDAY WHILE THEIR BOYFRIENDS SIT IN THE LIVING ROOM YELLING “ARE YOU READY YET?” EVERY 15 MINUTES. PLUS, IT’S NOT LIKE ANYONE CAN EVEN SAY ANYTHING ABOUT HILLARY’S APPEARANCE BECAUSE… (DUN DUN DUN!) THAT’S SEXIST. BUT SINCE I DON’T GIVE A FUCK LIKE I STATED BEFORE, I’M GOING TO GO THERE. HILLARY CLINTON’S HAIR LOOKS LIKE A EUROPEAN SCOOTER HELMET. SHE HAS THE “I’D LIKE TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER” HAIRCUT EXCEPT IT’S NOT THE MANAGER AT WAL-MART, IT’S THE MANAGER OF HER FUCKING COUNTRY CLUB WHO GAVE HER FLAT WATER INSTEAD OF SPARKLING WATER. EVERY SINGLE THING ABOUT HER APPEARANCE SCREAMS: I’VE NEVER CLEANED A TOILET, MY MAID DOES THAT FOR ME. SO FUCK RIGHT OFF WITH THE HAIR THING.

AND YES, COURTNEY. HILLARY IS A WOMAN. BUT THAT HAS NO FUCKING BEARING ON WHY DEMOCRATS HATE HER. THEY HATE HER BECAUSE SHE’S A CENTER-LEFT, DRONE STRIKING, 1% ARCHETYPE OF WHAT’S WRONG WITH THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY. YOU THINK EVERYONE SHOULD LOVE HER AND HOLD THEIR CRITICISM FOR SOMEONE WITH A PENIS BECAUSE YOU KNOW DEEP DOWN, YOU DO ONLY LIKE HER BECAUSE SHE’S A WOMAN. DON’T GIVE ME THIS “I LIKE HER POLICIES” BULLSHIT. NOBODY LIKES THE IDEA OF FREE COMMUNITY COLLEGE, NOT EVEN PEOPLE IN COMMUNITY COLLEGE. IT’S A STUPID FUCKING IDEA TO SUBSIDIZE SUB-PAR EDUCATION WHEN WE HAVE ENOUGH HALF-INTELLECTUALS IN AMERICA THAT SUCK UP ENTITLEMENT FUNDS.

SO YES, SOCIALIST JESUS TAKE THE FUCKING WHEEL. BECAUSE YOU’RE DRUNK ON ESTROGEN AND JUST USING CAPS-LOCK TO MASK YOUR BULLSHIT, ZERO-THOUGHT, FUCKING UNINTELLIGIBLE-UNLESS-YOU-WATCH-GIRLS-ON-HBO ARGUMENTS THAT ARE WASTING SERVER SPACE ON THE GOD DAMN INTERNET. IT’S OKAY IN AMERICA TO NOT LIKE SOMEONE. ESPECIALLY WHEN THAT SOMEONE IS HILLARY RODHAM CLINTON. THAT’S CALLED POLITICS. IT’S NOT SOME SECRET MISOGYNISTIC AGENDA TO TANK THE PROSPECT OF HAVING THE FIRST FEMALE PRESIDENT.

SO FUCK YOU. FUCK HILLARY CLINTON AND FUCK TYPING IN CAPS LOCK.

I’m done.

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